Becoming an Imperfectionist (Part 1)
Learning to let go, feel empowered, and trust that everything will be ok
*To listen to an audio-recorded narration of this blog post, click here.*
Imagine the following scenarios:
You get stuck in traffic and arrive an hour late to a job interview.
You’re at the airport checking in and you realize you forgot your wallet at home.
You send out an important proposal to a large group of VIPs and realize after the fact that you made a huge typo in the title page.
How would these scenarios make you feel and how long does that feeling last? Would you feel frustrated, but able to dust it off pretty quickly? Or would you feel a deeper sense of distress or failure that would be hard to shake off?
As I imagine these scenarios for myself, I already hear that inner voice in my head starting to shoot off:
“Ugh, you’re so stupid!”
“How could you let this happen?”
“You really screwed up this time.”
I’ve noticed that for us perfectionists, it doesn’t matter how big or how small the mistake or so-called “failure” was. What matters is that we messed up - that we were imperfect. And ironically, in order to quell that internal pressure to get things right and never feel these feelings of failure or disappointment again, we train ourselves to be even more meticulous. We run every possible scenario in our heads, we triple-check everything, and we become masters of overthinking and over-preparing. At our worst, we might even start to micromanage the people around us, attempting to take control of everything that might potentially lead us to a negative outcome.
This used to be me. I loved being in control because it meant that things would happen on my terms and I would always be the most prepared person in the room. I became so detail-oriented and obsessed with figuring out all the possible things that could happen in any given situation. I would leave for appointments an hour early, I made to-do lists and itineraries for every little thing, and I always had a plan B (and even a plan C, D, and E) ready at all times. It’s an exhausting way to live, but I kept at it because it worked so well for me. Until finally, it didn’t.
There were two main things that happened in my early 30s that completely threw me for a loop - (1) becoming a mom, and (2) dealing with my health issues. For those of you who don’t have kids, The String Bag and Octopus Guide to Parenthood is a hilarious read that can give you a peek into the craziness of parenthood. This guide was written to be funny, but it’s based off the reality of how chaotic and out of control life as a parent can feel. No amount of planning or preparation could’ve saved me from the unruliness of having kids - it’s just a crazy journey of constant curveballs, none like the other.
Dealing with my health issues was also a similar situation. For years, I’ve had various symptoms without a clear diagnosis or concrete plan of how to get better. The unknown made it so hard for me, and I still struggle with the fact that I’m not able to fully understand or be in control of what’s going on with my own body.
These two things took me from feeling like I had everything under control to making me feel like everything was out of control. It was unbearable at first, and for years, it sent me into a deep cycle of depression, anxiety, and chronic stress. My mind was constantly flooded with the pressure to do everything right and the fear that I was doing everything wrong.
Thanks to many years of therapy, prayer, self-work, and self-reflection, I eventually came to realize that my circumstances weren’t to blame. It was actually this overwhelming desire for perfection and control that was causing me to suffer. And once I started to learn how to handle things in a healthier way, life became a lot less stressful and a lot more enjoyable.
I’m still a work in progress, but as I was thinking about the things that helped me get out of this grip that my perfectionism and desire for control had over me, there were three mindset shifts that came to mind.
#1: Letting go of the things that are not in my control.
The three things that were the most important for me to learn to let go of were:
(1) the things of the past
(2) the uncertainties of the future
(3) the actions and opinions of others
I think in our heads, most of us know that we can’t change the past, we can’t fully know the future, and we can’t appease or be pleased by everyone in our lives. That shift from knowing something to really understanding and accepting something though is where I think the hard work needs to come in. It takes constant reminding and thought-shifting in order to learn how to really let these things go, but it does get easier over time. As I’ve learned to really accept that certain things are completely out of my control, I’ve stopped worrying and fretting over them. This mindset shift seems so blatantly obvious, but I’ve seen so many perfectionists struggle with it.
#2: Focusing my time and energy on the things that I CAN control.
Over the years, I’ve learned that the only thing that I can actually control is myself - my actions, my feelings, and how I choose to present myself and respond to things. So now I like to think of control as anything that involves me making a choice.
Here are some examples:
Scenario 1: I wake up feeling crappy.
My choices: I can choose to blame myself for the burger and fries I ate late last night and continue to feel crappy all day, or I can choose to give myself a fresh start, do ten minutes of yoga, and make myself a healthy breakfast.Scenario 2: The kids are testing my patience.
My choices: I can choose to completely lose my cool then guilt myself over what a crappy mom I am, or I can choose to take a few minutes to myself, calm down, and think of a gentler way to handle the situation.Scenario 3: I’m feeling overwhelmed about an upcoming deadline for a big project.
My choices: I can choose to beat myself up for procrastinating and drown in my anxiety, or I can choose to work on one small task that will help me move forward with my project.
Yes, making these kinds of choices are easier said than done, but again, with time and practice, it becomes a more natural process. It requires taking a minute to assess a situation, think about how it’s making you feel, then figuring out what choices you can make to get you closer to a more favorable outcome. This actually works wonders in getting you to focus on the present moment and be more intentional with the choices that you’re making throughout the day. It’s also very empowering because rather than living in more of a reactive state and getting stuck in a negative way of thinking, you’re able to handle situations in a more clear-headed way, where you’re using your control in a way that’s helping you and not hurting you.
#3: Reminding myself that it’s all going to be ok
The great thing about failing a lot and making lots of mistakes is that it actually gives you this guidebook in handling future mishaps. Every time you mess up, you learn something new, and those lessons aren’t just about doing things right in the future - they teach us that the outcome of our imperfections can often be good.
As I look back on the hardest times of my life where everything seemed to be going wrong, I can confidently say that those were the times that I grew the most. And not only did I grow, but I came out of those situations really understanding that things happen for a reason and things always work themselves out. So in the face of mistakes, uncertainties, and unknowns, I no longer feel this dread or anxiety about messing up or not being in control. I now know that I can handle hard things and that I can come out of hard situations a better and stronger person. So instead of pouring so much energy into doing things perfectly and not screwing things up, I ground myself in this faith and assurance that everything’s going to be ok. This has been the most important mindset shift during this healing and recovery process for me.
Now, I call myself a recovering perfectionist for a reason - I still struggle with my perfectionism often, and I catch myself falling into old patterns quite a bit. It’s not easy to change who you are and who you’ve been for most of your life. I’ve come to accept that this will be a lifelong journey.
If you’re on a similar journey of healing and trying to figure out a gentler way to live, I hope this blog post was helpful and encouraging for you. Wherever you are on this path, don’t be discouraged. Good things take time, and we will get there.
Thanks for reading ♡